If anyone would have asked me years ago if I had a story, I would have told them I did not. That sounds irrational because, frankly, everyone has a story. I had an ideal family, and I lived a comfortable lifestyle, but the truth is there was many things in my life that was missing. I was always a different kid. I cried a lot, had anxiety, and did not have many friends. I was bullied, and I never loved myself for who I was even at an early age. In middle school this progressively started getting worse. There was a germ created after me because of my acne and a coping skill I used for my anxiety, I was always called fat and ugly. It got so bad that I had to move schools, but even at my new school I did not have any friends and fell into a deep pit of loneliness, self-hatred, and depression. Those feelings did not go away in high school, as a matter of fact they progressed again. I did not have any close friendships and I ate lunch by myself. Within the anxiety, intrusive thoughts, self-hatred, feeling worthless, having no friends, the feeling of loneliness and depression there was nothing I could control I felt like. Therefore, I decided to turn to the only thing that I felt I had any control over, and that was my food.
I honestly could not tell you when my eating disorder started. I do not remember when the thoughts started rolling in, but to try to fulfill everything that was missing in my life I binged and I purged. I never really liked my body or myself because of how much I was bullied over it throughout the years, so I figured that doing that could help with all my low self esteem issues. It helped me get my mind off of my problems, and it was almost like a drug. I was soon diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa, and that broke my family. I was always in a constant argument with the only people who were always there for me, yet I still could not stop. I was so attached to my disease at that point I wanted to keep going. Although the voice was very strong, and I never felt like I was able to stop, I decided to try recovery. I thought to myself “I’m just attempting it does not mean I need to succeed so I can go back to my old ways whenever I would like” and although that thought taunted me, I soon decided that I would actually try to succeed.
Recovery is one of the hardest things that I have ever done, but it is also one of the best. I thought that I was only in recovery for Bulimia, but the truth is I am in recovery for so much more. I am recovering from years of always hating myself and never accepting who I was. To help with my recovery, I have started a self-love and acceptance journey on an app called Tik Tok. On this I show parts of my day where I am learning to love myself, and I help others learn as well. Although I do not have many followers, I still try to inspire others as much as I can. Through doing this, I decided to change my major to something that I am truly passionate about. I am going to the University of Tennessee Knoxville to pursue a degree in social work. I want to work in mental health as a social worker, and I want patients and families to know that they are never alone.